On Sunday night, the boys and I taped our first podcast as Second City Sports. To open the show, I asked them if they have been watching the Winter Olympics. They laughed in my Skype face.
After we were done (I missed almost ALL of the Luge contest because of Champ’s continuous computer problems. According to sources, some dude from Germany almost went flying out of “The Sliding Center” tracklike Clark Griswald in Christmas Vacation. Major upset.), I went on the internet to see if other people like us were watching the Olympics.
I can’t believe this. Do you all realize that you’re missing out on greatness? Each and every one of these athletes are at the peak of their games. Sure, some of those games might include a broom and some heavy stones, but THEY’RE STILL THE BEST! And last time I checked, being an American means you love being the effing best at everything.
So, consider this the Gold Medal winning, Almost Live Blog of two events I chose by simply tuning into NBC and watching until I got tired (bloggers get tired too!).
7:45 ET: First up, Freestyle Skiing where every athlete looks like they are seconds away from blowing out their knee. I don’t know how anyone gets into this sport or wants to continue pursuing it after going through a run:
7:46 ET: Apparently, it’s been snowing off and on all day and that’s a HUGE psychological test for these world renowned athletes. One question: Don’t these olympians train while it’s snowing/in the snow? I don’t understand how a little extra snow trickling from the sky potentially screws with Jakara Anthony’s headspace.
7:48 ET: Note: Jakara Anthony is from Australia. I don’t know much about Australia besides P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, but I suppose a little extra snow might startle her as much as a human punching a kangaroo in the face startles me:
7:57 ET: I’ve now watched a handful of runs and I have one MAJOR question: How in the hell does anyone judge this? Each and every one of these looks the same to me. They start off down a hill, shoot through the ACL Ant Hills, throw themselves off a ramp to do a little twist in the air (these make me laugh every time for being so slow), bump past some more ACL Ant Hills before launching up another ramp to do a flip and land. Unless someone falls over, I don’t get how you dock points for any of this.
8:02 ET: Nobody from the USA medaled. Conspiracy theory: Everyone in the Top-3 spin their blood.
8:07 ET: It’s FIGURE SKATING TIME BABY! Apparently this is a free skate for the overall Team Event. I don’t really know what that means. But, what I do know is that NBC just ran a hit on Adam Rippon where he told us all that he is a “full blown monster”. This dude is a shit talking electric factory.
After a quick Google search, he’s also apparently really pissed off about the Olympics “generic condoms”. I’m buying all of the Ripp-o-mania stock.
8:09 ET: First up, we have Mikhail Kolyada who apparently lost it all for the Russian skating team because he had a “disastrous” short run. Tara Lupinski and Johnny Weir couldn’t even finish their story before this dude fell over doing a “Quad Lutz” and what looked like a triple axle, back-to-back. As someone who watched I-Tonya, Margot Robbie made this guy look like a chump. Hell, Chazz Michael Michaels made this guy look like a chump. This has last place written all over it and I don’t give a shit that he skated to an Elvis song.
8:15 ET: Shouts to Johnny Weir for getting his Franck Eggelhoffer on!
Really enjoying NBC’s coverage of The Hunger Games. pic.twitter.com/iE3J4RfqG7
— Pat Tomasulo (@pattomasulo) February 12, 2018
8:17 ET: The spirit hands Matteo Rizzo throws out there are Bring It On levels of perfect. I don’t know how much that means for technical scores, but it deserves a 10 out of 10. They are just so theatrical and amazing.
8:21 ET: This event is so god damn long. I can’t believe it’s still going on. Do you think judges get bored when skaters aren’t launching themselves in the air? I would.
8:22 ET: Johnny Weir said that performance felt like it only went for 30-seconds. I apparently lack understanding of this sport. But, I will say, Matteo Rizzo kissed his fingers and Duke floor slapped the ice and then walked like an Egyptian off the ice after nailing that performance.
8:25 ET: Rippon time. The “shirt” portion of his outfit looks like a combination of Elsa’s dress from Frozen and a White Walker from Game of Thrones.
8:28 ET: Adam Rippon is skating to Coldplay. The People’s Champ has his new favorite skater.
8:30 ET: “I couldn’t be MORE into that. Chills!”
Tara Lipinski is HOT right now. But, to be fair, I also couldn’t be more into that either. Absolutely satisfying. The type of performance that any American should be proud of. While Rippon was gracefully gliding around the ice like the Disney White Walker that he was, Russian Elvis definitely tripped over himself five times backstage.
8:34 ET: It’s weird to me that all of these guys are skating to songs in English? We’ve had Elvis, The Beatles, Coldplay and one of the thousands of renditions of Hallelujah. Why can’t we get the Russian Migos to throw a track down? Is there not a Canadian Cardi B?
8:41 ET: Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. I just watched a program (thank Johnny Weir) in which Patrick Chan fell over. I literally saw him give himself a raspberry from falling on his ass. I also watched a shit program from the Russian guy I’ve been making fun of this entire blog and I just learned they are now in first and second, respectfully. How is that possible. If I hit my golf ball into a lake, I don’t get to take a stroke off my score. If I hit a batter with a fastball, I don’t get an automatic out.
How does every other Olympic sport throw out major deductions for falling over but skating doesn’t? This is rigged against Rippon, the new Tonya Harding.
I ended this blog after two events. That was a mistake. A mistake in the sense that two hours later I was introduced to the “Shib Sibs”. They are perfect. They are endearing. They made me want to do more than just Wiki “Ice Dance” as they twizzled and twizzled and twizzled one more time just for good measure.
Honestly, they made me want to be a better person as they galloped around the rink to the tune of three Coldplay bangers.
It was beautiful. It was mesmerizing. It was perfection.
ShibSibs twizzle sequences will never fail to bring a crowd to its feet and make me cry pic.twitter.com/yi0jZ6n5HB
— ✨⛸ ji@平昌冬季オリンピック🇰🇷⛸✨ (@soukatsu_) February 12, 2018