The Arizona Diamondbacks announced they’re bringing back the bullpen cart to transport pitchers from both bullpens to the mound. I’m a sucker for nostalgia, and a sucker for whimsy and this fits both so I absolutely love it. The D-backs are doing this as a way to celebrate its 20 year anniversary as an organization, so this isn’t an effort to speed up games (which makes it even better). The press release though left me with one very important unanswered question. WHO WILL DRIVE THIS BULLPEN CART???
Since we didn’t get an answer to that question (and if we did, don’t @ me because I’m committing to this bit), I’m going to suggest a few people for the D-backs completely free of charge.
- Rookie Players – Listen, hazing is a frowned upon subject nowadays. MLB players can’t even make rookie pitchers wear childish backpacks out to the bullpen because people got offended at it. What if instead of that we make these young bucks get behind the wheel and lug their teammates to the mound? And if they’re coming in to pitch? They get a mascot to chauffeur them and are open to any and all mascot hi-jinx.
- Baby Driver – We just watched the Oscars and Baby Driver didn’t take home any major awards (I didn’t watch the Oscars so I don’t know if they won any awards at all) but I do know that MLB pitchers could enjoy a fast drive to the mound without any chit chat from the driver. For those who don’t know, Baby drives as a getaway driver only with music playing in his headphones. If it’s the 8th inning of a 1 run game and a pitcher is asked to hold the lead, MAAAAAYBE they don’t want to make small talk with the guy driving him out to the mound?
- Jerry Seinfeld – For those pitchers who might need a little chuckle to get ready to go into the game, I offer up Jerry Seinfeld. He’s made a new career from driving cars and talking to people so he would be a natural fit in this role. This also makes MLB more fun and relevant with younger audiences because Netflix can install cameras in the cars and we can make it an entire separate series. Jerry, have your people call my people, this is too good of an idea to pass up even if you only drive for the Mets when they go to the desert.
- Dominic Toretto – My personal favorite is the man who lives his life a 1/4 mile at a time. MLB thinks it has a pace of play problem? Dom Toretto would easily fix that. He’d be setting new personal records getting guys to the mound while avoiding helicopters blowing up around him and submarines coming up from left field. Dom Toretto, good for baseball, bad for grounds crews.