Five Knuckle Shuffle Friday: The Undertaker should stay retired, caring for Thanos and Sammy Sosa

Every Friday moving forward, the Second City Sports crew is going to give you a list of five things that we’re questioning, loving, watching and listening to. Basically, it’s an outlet to discuss some of the wider topics that we may not get to in other blog posts or on the podcast (which you should subscribe to on iTunes RIGHT MEOW).

Let’s roll!

  • I’m a little worried about the Undertaker: Since we’re calling this the Five Kunckle Shuffle, it’s only right that I write about my current (and very strong) love of the WWE. For the Jabronies out there that don’t have the WWE app (or know someone they can borrow it from… shouts to BG), a week ago Vince McMahon and company flew their roster of world class athletes all the way to Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for the GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE; an event that was half house show and half money grab with the headliner being a Royal Rumble with 50 dudes. It wasn’t what you would call great (and that has nothing to do with the political shadow that hovered over the show). BUT, we did get another Undertaker (casket) match against the Electric Factory that is Rusev. Again, it wasn’t great. Taker looked great, but he’s just not able to perform at that level anymore. The only reason his match against John Cena worked so much at Wrestlemania was because Cena is one of the best in the business and putting over an opponent (and because it was three minutes long). Undertaker got his stuff in and walked out. That should’ve been it. That should’ve been his final walk down. The Undertaker should be able to… and I hate to say it… Rest. In. Peace.

  • Anthony Miller is going to go down as the best Wide Receiver in Bears history: Yesterday, Dan Wiederer of the Chicago Tribune put out a Q&A with Anthony Miller’s former WR coach, David Johnson and it gave all of us at SCS goose pimples. If I don’t spend a high pick in every single one of my upcoming fantasy football drafts on him, I give one of our lucky fans permission to do a real Five Knuckle Shuffle on me (I’ll even lay on the ground motionless). This dude is mentally too strong to fail, I’m convinced of it:

I had met only one person who loved football more than me. And that was (current Texans defensive back) Tyrann Mathieu, who I had coached in high school. But Anthony Miller is the second person I ever met who loves football more than me. He loves football and he is the toughest player I have ever coached.

AND…

He understands that’s what got him here. As a prime example, we were about to play against UCLA (last September), and we go out a little early as a receivers group. And there were some UCLA guys out there walking around. Anthony was like, “Coach, they don’t have a chance. I looked them in the eyes. They don’t work like me.”

I laughed. And then I kept kidding him and letting him know, “Look, this guy you’re about to go against was a five-star (recruit). You were just a little walk-on. So if you can’t get off of bump coverage …” He said, “Coach, I’m going to destroy him. He doesn’t work like me.”

That was always in his mind. … He was always the kid that nobody paid enough attention to. So he understood the only way they’re going to pay attention to me is if I really work. So now going to the NFL level and understanding that is big. He’s going to have to work to get people’s respect.

THEY HAD TO PROTECT HIM… AT PRACTICE!!!!

It’s all the fun he’s having. He’s having so much fun. If somebody came to our practice and watched him they’d be like, “What’s wrong with him?” He never gets tired. Everything is full speed. He’s diving for balls. We got to a point where we almost had to protect him from himself. The guys you don’t want to get hit, you put that red jersey on them. We had to give Anthony a green jersey. And that was to make sure he didn’t hit the ground or dive for balls all the time. But he didn’t know anything else.

Matt Nagy is going to help make this guy a star.

If anyone wants to start the official “It’s Miller Time” fan club, I’d love to help you get that off the ground.

  • Disney made me care about Thanos: There’s only been two total times when I left a super hero movie and cared about the “big bad”. Heath Ledgers “Joker” and Michael B. Jordan’s “Killmonger” not only had a gravity all there own, but there was a weight in what they were trying to accomplish. Was it evil and bad and gross? Of course it was. But what the writers did with those characters is make you, at least for a moment or two, consider what they were doing (even if it was only momentarily). I think Disney did that same thing with Thanos in The Avengers Infinity War. Maybe this is a classic case of expectations (I didn’t have high hopes for Thanos considering his backstory in the comics is that he’s courting a woman that is LITERALLY death), but the odds seemed stacked against them to get this right. And, per usual, they did. I may not have agreed with what Thanos’ ultimate goal was, but damn if I didn’t try to understand. And that’s a major coup in and of itself.
  • Sammy Sosa is a scum bag: I’m on the record all over the internet saying the Cubs should welcome back Slammin’ Sammy Sosa with open arms. BUT, after Teddy Greenstein’s column in the Tribune, finally changed my tune. As a White Sox fan, I was only IN on the Cubs because of the home run chase that was going on between Mark McGwire and Sosa. At that time, every Sosa at bat was a must watch. I still remember teachers in my school having the Cubs games on in our classrooms because it was “important”. What a time. Of course, I didn’t follow the day-to-day inner workings of the team or how big of a pain in the ass Sosa really was. I thought the beef between the North Side and Sosa was always about the performance enhancing drugs that he may or may not have taken. But as it turns out, it’s much, MUCH more than that. Sosa is an egotistical maniac that doesn’t seem capable of grappling with the truth, even if it hit him in the face. It’s undeniable what he did for the greater good of baseball (in that moment at least), but learning about Sosa the teammate and Sosa the person makes it really hard to root for him even in the slightest.

  • If Zach LaVine keeps putting in work, I’m going to talk myself into him: To my cohosts, it’s probably already a forgone conclusion that I will wind up on the “positive” side of the fence when it comes to Zach LaVine. Despite the glaring holes in his game, I’m starting to talk myself into “LaVine the Worker” (not to be confused with “LaVine the Chucker” or “LaVine the Defensive Liability”). His work ethic has always been highly touted from those that know him best, so it shouldn’t have come as a shock that the majority of his social media presence at the moment consists of Instagram videos of his training regiments (including some pretty fun looking work outs):

Will all of that translate into a better defensive player that is able to dribble with his head up? We’ll see. But for right now, the idea of Zach LaVine and a new contract aren’t so bad.

AND ONE MORE FOR GOOD LUCK:

  • Elisabeth Moss is a national treasure and John Mulaney might be the best comedian on the planet right now: Just do yourself a favor this weekend… watch John Mulaney’s new comedy special on Netflix AND start binging The Handmaid’s Tale ASAP. You’re welcome.

I’m singin’
Follow me
Everything is all right
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won’t find nobody else like me

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